Monday, May 24, 2010
DOUCHE-DAR
THERE IS AN EPIDEMIC WITH PERFECTLY HOT CHICKS WRAPPED UP WITH PERFECTLY DOUCHEY GUYS..... I WANT THIS TO STOP. SO HERE IS MY GUIDE TO SPOTTING A DOUCHE-BAG.
The Problemo is this ladies…. You don’t have your douchedar on…. You’ve got to hone in on your douchdar skills and stop making excuses for other people’s behavior.
If you have ever said or texted your Girlfriends this….
“ Oh he’s having a bad day cuz he spilled coffee on his fav Ed Hardy Tshirt, that’s why he didn’t call me”
“ Oh he cheated on me cuz his mom just died”
“Oh he forgot his wallet in his other pants, so I had to pay no biggy, we went to burger king”
“He was late because he had to get his eyebrows waxed”
“He takes HGH and for the longest time I thought it was a drink!!” (HGH= human growth hormone aka steroids)
“He fucked his friends sister because he heard she gave good head….from her brother!!!”
“He nick named himself T-bone.... you don't want to know why”
"He still lives with his parents because he doesn't know how to cook or do laundry"
“He took so long to get ready because he couldn’t find shoes to match his bedazzled Christian Audiger long sleeve t-shirt”
“He calls me SHORTY”
“He called me Shannon, my name is Juanita, WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR 3 MONTHS!”
“He asked to borrow money so he could pay child support, I found out he spent it at a STRIP CLUB!”
“He wants to have a threesome with me and my MOM!”
“That’s his second DUI this month!!”
“He can’t hang out because he is too busy fixing his bong”
“His v-neck T-shirt showed more cleavage than mine!!!”
“ He smelled like perfume cuz he was with his sister” But I’ve never met his sister. Does he even have a sister??!!!”
LISTEN SISTER,,,, He’s a douchebag and I can smell it a mile away.
Those are some easy tell tale signs…….. STAY DOUCHE-LESS
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Let's Get Surgical! SURGICAL!
Ooooh Heidi Montag addicted to the lime light
She is to fame, what china town is to Louis Vuitton. I must give her credit she is doing a tremendous job of staying in the headlines. Getting 10 procedures done in one day, will certainly do the trick.
Here's what was on her chopping block:
- Baby brow lift
- Botox in and around her forehead
- Shaved her back bone and tissue... "to create a curvier look"
- Nose job #2 (yep, she already put that thing on the chopping block)
- Boob job # 2 - Spencer didn't like playing motor boat anymore :(
- Ass job - for her Ghetto m&tha F*ckas!!
- Fat injections - Lips, cheeks & Nasolbial folds (who the hell thinks of that!?!?)
- Neck Liposuction - What ever happened to "2 chins are better than one?)
- Liposuction- AGAIN!?! Waist, hips & all around her thighs
- Chin reduction - No girl wants to look like Jay Leno
- Ears - No doubt, I don't wanna hear Spencer either!
- Everyone knows you're fake anyway so why not embellish?
- To spite your parents " Hey, Mom & Dad your genes suck! I'm gonna get multiple plastic surgeries to make up for your genetic shortcomings"
- You were hot, and now you're old
- You're tits were up! & now their down :(
- You have a tiny little tail, & you keep attracting people with bestiality fetishes
- Your nose resembles that of Gonzo, from sesame street.
- To start a fulfilling career in porno
- Your mind tells says you're a man, but your body says you're a woman or vice versa
- If you ever want your spawns to resemble you
- If you want to Save money for something altruistic.
- You want to blend in with the regular folk
- You think imperfections give you character
- To not be mistaken for a tranny
- If you want people to like you for your talents and charming personality
- If you are afraid of needles
- Death
- The possibility of looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein
Thursday, December 24, 2009
10 THINGS A GIRL DOESN'T WANNA HEAR ON A FIRST DATE
10. I have a level 70 paladins and a level 80 cleric.
9. I'm not married, but I have a few kids, and they really want a mommy.
8. I think I love you. Wanna make a suicide pact?
7. I live in my parents basement.
6. I've never really had a steady job.
5. Don't worry my wife is on a business trip
4. I know how it feels to be uncomfortable around guys, from when I was in jail.
9. I have a sh!t fetish, will you take a dump on my chest?
2. My mom is my best friend, you'll understand why when you meet her.
1. Randy thinks you're pretty. Randy wants to sex you up tonight. Randy wants dessert.
Monday, December 21, 2009
X to the MASS
I think Xmas is called Xmas for a reason,
as a society we have taken the Christ out of Christmas. Now X marks the spot!! How perfect!! I think its really fitting that its an X which to me stands for "wrong". Or if you make the hand gesture of an X below your waist it means SUCK IT!....yah its really does, watch some wrestling if you don't believe me!
I really dislike Xmas, I'm sure Christmas had meaning before it turned into a corporate time of year where people are obligated to spend a lot of money. Its retarded, it causes all kinds of stress to so many families. Especially for me, because I come from a broken home and there is all kinds of lies, animosity and pain attached to family for me. I wish I could just cut out all of the B.S but unfortunately you can't change people and you can't change your genetics.
As far as I'm concerned it should be about spending time with your loved ones, especially the people you don't get to see that often. NOT what you buy and how much money you spent. Any gift given should be heart-felt or helpful to the person you love. And you should only give a gift if you want to, I don't want a spite gift or a pride gift.
My point is I don't think we need a special occasion to get each-other gifts or do nice things for each-other.
